Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.