I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me linking you to my twitter
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk