Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
You Might Also Like
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
This is painfully accurate 😅
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
oh u like geography? name every lake
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.