Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
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Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
It do be feeling this way.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…