I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…![]()
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If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?