I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Oh thanks BBC.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Oh, I bet you would be
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
🙂🐾
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name