ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
U talkin 2 me?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.