So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Investing in beetcoin
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”