@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

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@Jazzzzzmina

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

@Cornjerker78

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

@RealRebelElle

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

@Marlebean

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

@pleatedjeans

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

@skickwriter

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

@lovemydogduck

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.