@boneysoups tell em, edith-anne
@ramblinma *cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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@boneysoups 
@Jazzzzzmina Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
@Cornjerker78 Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
@IGotsSmarts “T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
@RealRebelElle My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
@Marlebean My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
@pleatedjeans [filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
@skickwriter 5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
@Petote Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
@lovemydogduck Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.