*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

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Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?


Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.


My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire


My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.


[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]


5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?


Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.


Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.