I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I would move hell over six inches for you