There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I only eat vegetarians.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not