The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
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Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.