was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
do horses think humans are hats
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Weirdly Wednesday.