was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going