burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
You Might Also Like
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
yall want some gasoline milk
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.