Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Who does Amazon think I am?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Shower sex be like:
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.