Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
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This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours