I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
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sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Every time.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.