Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
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How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Thrilling chase underway
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”