GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
when mom throws a party…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
uh oh
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.