I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
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My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
FINE, I WON’T.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them