i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.