“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
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5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Raisins are grape jerky.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen