Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Don’t forget to tip your server

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

Thoughts

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.

Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?

Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.

Your secret is safeish with me

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out

Me: Ok then

[later that evening]

Dentist: Well this is nice

My tooth: I’m having a lovely time

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

This is not me but this is me

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.