“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Happy birthday to all the women
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably