5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
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[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
it’s a van. how do they not know this
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*