Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.