[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
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When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
For the orator and chef in all of us
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125