[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.