No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
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[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m not proud
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer