My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
This hospital has everything
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it