Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
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Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.