[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Merry Christmas
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy