I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
want me to check your oil?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach