Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
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GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.