Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
You Might Also Like
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂