My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate