BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
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Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.