“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
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“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
boat question
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!