ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.