[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.