Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!