Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.