When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.