Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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This hospital has everything
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
next question.