If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.