Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
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At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?