Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
You Might Also Like
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Cool shirt 🙂
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”