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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”