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Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner: