*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Woke up against my better judgment again
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
sigh
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time