Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
we did it you guys we saved daylight
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…