Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me trying to reach for my goals
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
What even happened today?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
they split up moments later
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too