What even happened today?
You Might Also Like
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy