We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.