I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
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Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
i choose….tongue
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Best table by far
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”